Hey, no offence man...

Saturday night: Tram on the way back to the city following dinner at an Italian restaurant with friends.

The tram is waiting at a stop while the light is red. From the adjacent road comes the sort of blood curdling screeching of tyres that can only happen when someone is not only about to run a red light but also take a pedestrian with them.

Everyone rushes to one side of the tram and looks out, including a charming young man with wildly flitting eyes that are beautifully accessorised by the track marks on his arm. A mid-20s guy gets on board (presumably the cause of the screeching tyres) and grins as he says 'it's ok, he missed me'. Everyone chuckles along...except for young Master Track Marks, who says, "hey no offence man but it would have been fucking AWESOME if he hit you!"

Cue: Deafening silence on tram as everyone gapes in disbelief and then shuffles a bit further away from Track Marks.

Track Marks sits down in the seats on the other side of the aisle from us by himself. At the next stop some poor bugger gets on, oblivious to what he is letting himself in for, and sits down opposite him. The bloke must have scratched his head or something because Track Marks picks him as his next target. "Hey man, don't you do no fucking hand signals at me - what's that supposed to mean?!"

He carries on in this manner until we get to the next stop - when anyone within a few seats of him with half a brain either moves or gets off.