High tech warfare.

This is the logo from an item of hand luggage that I bought in Koh Samui a year ago for $20. It has been extremely handy, having travelled to the UK, France, Singapore and New Zealand since then - it even survived being 'misplaced' en route to London (thanks Emirates!) and seems to cheerfully handle the ongoing trials and tribulations involved in being an international bag of mystery.

I credit this value for money and all round robustness to the fact that it is called 'Combat'. It is clearly a high tech, cutting edge, hardcore item of luggage of mass destruction - something the logo leaves the viewer in no doubt about.


Yay for incongruous branding - it makes life that little bit brighter :-)

Bad hair transcends all politics.

While watching TV last night I had the pleasure of watching an interview on a current affairs show 'Lateline'. The interview in itself was unremarkable - a 15 minute 'hard news' interview with Labeed Abbawi, Deputy Foreign Minister of Iraq - 15 minutes of tedious and predictable proportions.

What WAS impressive, however, was the combination of:

• A windy day
• A fabulous 'comb-over'
• Mr Abbawi's stoic refusal to acknowledge that he was in the midst of a hair crisis of monumental, nationwide, televised proportions.

Had me and the missus in hysterics for its duration.

Giddy up baybee

Well, will you look at that - mid-February 2007 was hiding behind my bedroom door and has just leapt out and whacked me on the head. Sneaky beggar.

Soooo - to continue with the pre-xmas theme on the joys of Singapore I would like to introduce my non-Asian readers to an amazing gadget that I was priviedged to see demonstrated on Orchard Road in Singapore in December: The iGallop.


This mind-boggling device is promoted as an 'exercise' machine - but, if we were all to stop beating around the bush (if you'll excuse the expression) it would perhaps be most appropriate on display at the Melbourne Sexpo. Methinks perhaps as well, that the target market for this particular exercise fad is husbands buying them for their wives - can't imagine why.

For your viewing pleasure I have included a video of the Chinese ads for it - which are more to the, ahem, 'point' than the uber cheesy and serious singaporean ones (also included below for comparison) - I know which ad would motivate me to buy it more. And I am not even going to ask what is going on in her pants in the Chinese ad :-s

I have also included a suggestion of a more appropriate use for the iGallop at the bottom - as ably demonstrated by Salad the Cat ... and yes, I promise I won't be posting 3 videos every time, am just excited by finally figuring out how to do it.

Merry mutant!

I thought I should perhaps make at least a cursory nod to the festive season, seeing as I have been accused of being somewhat 'bah humbug-ish' this year.

So - here goes.

May I present a festive illustration from the side of the 'Luxury Christmas Crackers' that set me back $3.50* in the Footscray 'misc-crap-that-you-really-have-to-have' store. These luxury babies were Australian themed and made in Indonesia.

Now far be it from me to cast aspersions as to the typical Indonesian christmas cracker illustrator's knowledge of Australia's indigenous animals, or Australia in general for that matter ... but my guests and I were reasonably certain that Australian Emus don't have four legs ... although possibly the Indonesian ones do?



The map of Australia on the box also had dinosaurs in Western Australia - but we thought best not to be too pedantic at xmas ... in fact, from what I understand, the addition of a few dinosaurs could potentially be a significant improvement for WA ... perhaps they should seek the advice from the makers of my xmas crackers?

Merry festiveness y'all ;-)


*And no, I didn't win even one of the crackers I pulled.
Sympathy donations can be made to www.saveastarvinglecturer.com

Culinary highlights of Singapore.

While in Singapore I had lunch and went for a wander around the Bugis Street market with a mate/colleague of mine, the indomitable Mr Tezza who was teaching there at the same time as me. Mr Tezza is an ex-pat Singapore boy himself although he is similar to me, insofar as that he has been away long enough from his 'homeland' to lose track of which places are good to go to, what is 'so hot right now' etc etc.

One of the things he hasn't forgotten about, however, are the joys of a peculiarly Singaporean dish - one that he vividly remembers from his childhood, back in the days even before he had managed to misspend his youth.

It is a simple dish, involving two, equally healthy, ingredients (hunk of icecream + multicoloured bread). It costs around 80 cents Singaporean and can only be bought from little old men standing at mobile icecream stands. In the interests of cross-cultural understanding I of course had to try for myself...

My verdict?

It rocks.

It looks like this.



That is all.

The power of bun!

Back in Melbourne town now - settling back in and answering approximately 4.26 million emails per day from the lovely but occasionally confused students that I was teaching in Singapore.

Thought I'd post up another memento of my Singapore sojourn, this one from the food kiosk outside the Underwater World on Sentosa 'Island'. The Underwater World itself wasn't too bad but the sign below was what impressed me most - never underestimate the power of bun!

Useful signage.

Just a quickie, so to speak, for this post.

This is a picture snapped on Thursday while boarding the free bus that takes tourists around Sentosa 'Island'. Sentosa is a rather curious tourist trap, literally 300 metres away from Singapore, that includes a 'magical musical fountain' and large ugly statue of a MerLion (some sort of mythical concrete animal mostly sighted in its natural habitat of Singaporean corporate logos), resplendent with mobile phone receiver sticking from the top of its head.



Not sure if this sign is any relation to the nightclub concept of a 'door whore' but it made the bus trip, while crammed in with approximately 3.2 million pushy Indian tourists, that little bit more pleasant :-)

Ouch.

I spotted this little gem on one of the advertising boards in the underpass that goes under Orchard Road, the main shopping strip in Singapore. It was next to the ads for the Singaporean army, which I am hoping was just a coincidence.

They've really hit the nail on the head with this one - I can think of no more appropriate image to illustrate a Brazilian waxing service than that of a woman doubled over and looking pained.



But wait, there's more.

Not only will it make you double over in pain, it brings out the women - yes, more than one - in you. Whatever exorbitant price they're charging is a bargain when you think about it that way.

Ultimate toast.

Right, horror quantitative data analysis lecture dead and buried so must be time to get back to posting.

To continue with the food theme, I thought I would showcase this fabulous advertising poster from a cafe at the 'Far East' shopping mall on Tuesday. With a sales pitch like this who could resist*???



*Well, me actually.

Big sheet (spicy flavour)!

Hello again - yes, tis' I, your sporadic [spasmodic?] blogger.

This time I'm in Singapore, teaching at a Singaporean University, attempting to perform minor miracles by teaching a semester-long course in two weeks. Stress-free zone all the way baby!

So - in the interests of retaining my sanity while attempting to conjure up a lecture on frequency distributions (amongst other equally enthralling topics) I thought I would resort to some juvenile humour.

Ladies and Gentleman, may I present the newest taste sensation - the 'Big Sheet' [only ever to be pronounced with a strong Australian accent] 'Tasty Sea' snack - now in new Spicy Flavour.

As you can see from this shot I couldn't wait to try it before taking a pic for the blog. Was indeed a big spicy sheet - a most tasty sea that was easily delicious.

Contains graphic airline scenes.

I used to think that New Zealand led the world in the 'she'll be right' attitude towards potentially dodgy or dangerous situations - the Vietnamese attitude towards powerlines (amongst other things) made me realise, however, that various places excel at upholding amusingly dodgy standards depending on the situation and their various dodgy specialities.

An example: on a recent trip back to NZ to show my new partner around the land of the long white cloud (and engage in a little healthy Aussie bashing for good measure) we took Air NZ from Melbourne to Auckland, and then Qantas from Auckland to Melbourne.

On the way there, I flicked through the in-flight entertainment schedule, which included the following warning in relation to the movie Superman Returns:



It always used to amaze me when in-flight news programs included extensive footage of the most recent plane crash etc etc so this seemed a slightly over zealous but still worthwhile thing to note.

On the way back, however, Qantas treated me to an in-flight screening of their featured film - Oliver Stone's 'World Trade Center' - 129 minutes of September 11-themed feature film - an entertaining contrast.

She'll be right mate!

Those who know me (and let's face it, there are only 1.3 people who actually read my blog so we're talking about all readers here) will know that I am a scooter enthusiast.

You may remember my scooter exploits from such memorable and enthralling postings as 'my first scoot' and 'the joys of scooting'. At the moment, however, I am 'in between' scoots - not cos' of an accident (for a change) but because I am upgrading to something a leetle zippier (but only a leetle).

As a result I have returned to the joys of public transport and scabbing lifts off my partner ... in truth mostly the latter, given how innately lazy passionate about car-pooling and efficient use of resources I am.

This morning we were heading through the city and I was preparing to do my stunt dive through the traffic (necessary in order to be dropped off without getting rear ended by nasty commuters) when we were overtaken by a guy on a motorbike.

I always check out fellow bikers, I guess I'm curious to see who else is as mad as me to risk life and limb on a daily basis in the city traffic ... but this guy was in a league of his own I have to say.

Would hate to cast aspersions as to how he may have injured himself, but anyone looney brave enough to ride a motorbike while needing to bring along a crutch for the subsequent walking bit (it was strapped across the back and sticking out either side so as to conveniently swipe any pedestrian who got in his way) has balls the size of Pluto.

Helmets off to you my friend, helmets off.

Soak or stoke - your call.

Was riding up one of the main streets in the CBD yesterday and, while waiting at the lights, was a little bemused to see a microcosm of the world today played out before me.

A rubbish bin had substantial amounts of smoke billowing from its top and a young male tourist was wandering nervously around it. He peered in the top and walked off a short way to the pedestrian crossing, then came back and peered in again, looking around to see if anyone was paying attention to it (which they weren't) or sorting it out (ditto).

He then poured his bottle of water into the bin, in an attempt to put out the fire, and walked again towards the pedestrian crossing, looking back to see if it had had any effect (it hadn't). He was clearly reluctant to leave the fire unattended.

As he was doing this a woman in her power suit strode past the smouldering bin and threw in several large pieces of paper ... no doubt on her way to somewhere very busy and important.

Yay for oztraylian humour.

As a card-carrying Aussie basher (who is quite happy to live here, work here, use the health system etc etc), it is a rare occasion when I give a 'shout out' [note hip street slang usage applied only slightly incorrectly] to Australians for anything.

But credit where credit's due - for the fabulous minds that came up with the name of the latest entrant to the competitive bottled water market here. And yes, of course I fell for it and bought it just cos' of the name.

Our most popular menu item...

Hmmm, it seems that, since returning to semi-regular blogging duties, the focus has been largely on R13-rated engrish specimens. This means I am either:

1. frequenting dodgier engrish venues
2. more on the lookout for examples to blog and make fun of in a juvenile manner
   
3. carrying my camera with me more often
   
4. a smut peddler who will stoop to new lows for a cheap laugh.

What the hell, let's go with option 4, in the spirit of which, I present the last item on the drinks menu at the BYO Korean restaurant I went to on Thursday night :-)

Active intent

As most of my loyal readers will be aware, my recent blogging hiatus was due to a mad dash to finish my never-ending Masters thesis (fondly referred to as 'schmesis' or 'the bane of my life').

During this time I managed to stay more or less sane (not a bad accomplishment in the world of postgrad study I'm told), despite insane stress levels, fulltime work and an average of 4-5 hours sleep a night.

This achievement did, however, come with a pricetag; namely the consumption of more junk food than one person should consume in a lifetime, spread over a two-month period. A notable component of this consumption was sufficient quantities of icecream to make me a substantial shareholder in all Australian icecream companies.

So, the schmesis is now dead and buried (thank fuck) and the waistline redemption strategy has commenced ... sort of.

Thus far, it has consisted of one visit to the gym, where I remembered why I hate it (red face, sweat and gasping anyone?).

But needs must.

So, in honour of this momentous occasion (which is clearly the beginning of my professional sporting career), I would like to post a picture of the tag from an item of clothing I bought a while back. The logo was the only reason I bought it and I think it sums up my attitude towards exercise beautifully ... and what better brand name could you possibly come up with for a logo that shows a person sitting down?

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

The thesis is dead, long live online procrastination!

[Said that Hatter, returning to the world of blogging in style by posting up the business card of the fine dining establishment where she had dinner on Saturday].

For the record, the food was great.

A little gem from the Onion.

Exhibit A: Blatant attempt to distract loyal blog readers from fact that the Hatter has been inexcusably negligent on blogging front. Normal service WILL be resumed soon - promise!

Professor Pressured To Sleep With Student For Good Course Evaluation

June 27, 2006 | Issue 42•26

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Alan Gilchrist, an associate professor of English literature at the University of Arkansas infamous for his tough grading standards and dry lecturing style, was coerced into sleeping with an undergraduate on Monday in order to earn a good course evaluation. "My tenure's on the line here, so I allowed a student to take advantage of me," said an emotional Gilchrist of the experience, which he hopes will earn him at least six "very much enjoyed" responses on the eight-item evaluation form. "I told myself it would be just this once, and that it would be over soon, and that it wouldn't be that bad, but I was used. And I can't stop showering." Sources said that the unidentified student is one of the most popular and charismatic on campus, raising questions about possible abuse of power.

Blogging mea culpa

Forgive me mum my legions of loyal readers, for I have sinned... it has been 18 days since my last post.

It's not that I don't love you it's just...

Well, it's not you - it's me.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as I emerge from under this pile of thoroughly average essays crying out to be failed and have sarcastic comments scrawled over them.

It will also be resumed when this godawful jetlag stops torturing me and I get to sleep at something other than 4.30am. The dawn chorus can be fucking annoying when trying to get to sleep.

That is all.

I will be nicer next time.

xxxxx

The Hatter.

Working on commission for Dubai Tourism #2

Must be time for more on the joys of Dubai.

Dubai is an intensely boring intriguing city that upholds many admirable traditional values. It is also a largely dry city alcohol-wise.

Consequently, their entertainment options are ... shall we say ... also a little conservative.

I was gutted I couldn't compete in this mall-based entertainment extravaganza due to time restrictions - SO would have kicked arse if I had been able to.



For the adults, the customer service culture is also pretty fab - this fruit juice bar had all the mod-cons, including complimentary cigarette lighter.



And last, but by no means least - children's entertainment is well-covered too...in every sense of the expression...


... 'Burkha Barbie' anyone?